Dear future me,
Right at this time you possibly still don't know how to communicate to person, your basic language, your gesture, attitude, and so on. i know it sucks to be there right now, i know you losing people you want to be love, and people you loved.
Now, here, its kind a same thing. once i read a love letter from the girl i know. i remember the first smile that i think that she will be the last. unfortunately she's not, its just pages of your story line. and than came, HER.
the one fill in the blank on my brain, the one try to unscrew my thought. she, the peculiar relationship that i have. the one who teach me the ordinary world, the people perspective, the normal people see, the rich and poor, the racism everywhere, the not so mild on lips.
smile
i get that feeling again after not so long year before my last relationship, smile that make me stumbling when my heart beat. the red box, the cake, the dialog. ' i never have this spontaneous act like this' the act of trying, and knowing whats wrong. i remember that smile now with song in my headphone 'she came to me by Nick Urata' from soundtrack ruby spark. it was 4 year ago now.
heart beat
now i know what is not so love feeling. i never know what is love feels before. what is it take to your life from love. turn out what is love is just skipping beat on every time you choose to smile, every time you ask me to sing to lullaby you to sleep, the feeling hurts when i know i missed your call. the stabbing through your chess when you realize it is love but its too late. i miss
i
truth about relationship, i missing you, because every time i look at the phone, i wish you call, every decision that i make, that i always think about you instead of me. fuck people that say it all through, fuck our rule, it sucks to not interesting on you again, deleting my social media its one of my run away from you that away. still you are the one i try to reach every morning. hate the feeling guilty from my last talk, from my last touch, from my last time i spent with you, it sucks i cant pretend that i am good guy, it really dull when i am stand with you on the bar, it really sucks to know that i cant communicated my though, my feeling, because scare of you its my deepest dark secret. i scare to lose you, scare to hurt your feeling, scare to make you happy.
LIES
Dear my future, you know once you say that you are great liar, you are the best in that. you lie to your friend, when spelling the story, you lie to your family from what you do. you lose your heart and break it slip it to your dark. lie about your life, and most of all i lie to her, lie about my feeling, about i hate what she wear, i hate about she accept your song, lie about happy to drive on car with her, happy to accept how dictator her to you, i lie about my feeling to you, love its just my hard time, i know its more than love that i feel.
Cliché
all of this, what i do? what i write? what i am listening right now? all of this is fraud, i scarps the feeling, to love you, torture it to love you, cry to love you, hate to love you, and hate that you even didn't know what i feel. and even sadder that i didn't know what you feel. i hate you to make me fall in love deeper than before, to make it real than before. it sucks, to not knowing ho to communicate with you. it sucks you gone.
and it really sucks that
i am
still
here.
You are the best possible that i have, the best time that i have. now i try to clean my messed up, line up again about lie that i still have you. so people understand that you are alone, not with me, you are single.
hard.
just hard.
if one day you read this my future, stay away from this and realize that you have relationship. try
just try. i am sorry. my future, i am ruinning from now.
n.i
